Will I Ever Feel Whole?

"You have taken on a monumental challenge—lifetime even—where you may not see your effectiveness within your lifetime. Are you prepared for that?"

Her words stopped me.

Because yes. Yes to all of it.
Yes to the weight of this journey.
Yes to the truth that what I’m trying to build, be, and become… may never be recognized in my lifetime.

And it hit me—so much of what I’ve been carrying silently came crashing to the surface.

Since moving here, I've been trying. I’ve tried to make this place feel like home, to build a life, to pursue the kind of work I know I’m good at. I’ve tried to blend in—learn the language, soften the edges, smile when it hurts. And yet… this will never be my home. Not in the way Toronto once was. And even Toronto, as much as I love it, doesn’t feel like mine anymore either.

It’s the ache of being in-between.
Too Canadian in Nigeria.
Too Nigerian in Canada.
Too outspoken.
Too creative.
Too “other.”

And now here—just too much, and not enough all at once.

I’ve faced job rejections that had nothing to do with my qualifications. I’ve been dismissed in shops before I even spoke. I’ve seen my sister looked at with disdain, not because of her actions, but because of who people assumed she was just by looking at her.

And through it all, I ask myself: Who am I?
Where do I fit?
Will I ever stop explaining myself?
Will I ever be seen as I am, not as a stereotype or assumption?

Sometimes it feels like life is one long journey back to myself, always circling the same questions. I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole—if I’ll ever feel enough.

But here’s what I do know:
I’m still here.
Still creating.
Still dreaming.
Still fighting for joy.

I may not see the full impact of what I’m building, but I believe it matters. I believe I matter. Even if I don’t always feel like I belong, I know my presence shifts things—because it’s impossible for it not to.

To anyone else who feels in-between, unseen, or like they’re constantly trying to find “home”—I see you. You’re not alone.

We may never fully arrive, but we are still becoming. And there’s power in that.